


You Are in the Cage

by Nocticola



Series: Julian Blackthorn, canon demi [6]
Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Book 3: Queen of Air and Darkness, Canon demisexual character, Character Study, Demisexuality, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2020-04-24 07:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19168897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Julian's demisexuality throughout Queen of Air and Darkness





	1. Before the spell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set within the first two chapters.
> 
> I'm not sure how many chapters this will be, but I've been meaning to write this for so many times, I just want this first chapter out of the way right now. 
> 
> Updates will be sporadic.

There's blood everywhere on him. Julian cannot stop feeling the weight of Livvy (oh, his sweet little Livvy) in his arms. A part of him doesn't want to let go of the blood. The proof of his sister's murder. That's why he keeps a piece of her cloth with him. He can't forget what happened to Livvy, and he needs to make people pay. 

Rage and grief and hatred should be the only things he feels, yet they aren't. Somehow, there is still space in his heart for love, for Emma, for his siblings, and all that somehow makes it all worse. He can't concentrate on what he has to do. He's broken, something was twisted open inside him. (The clock of a parent that never stops ticking when you lose a child) 

The only thing that can make it stop is Emma. His sweet, dear, Emma. He needs her more than he's ever needed her before. He wants to lose himself in her, inside of her, in her pleasure. But he can't. He's denied even this small reprieve. 

His heart aches in so many ways, some of them literal, as he runs in the rain to where Magnus is. He shouldn't do this, but he has to. He has a mission, and feelings and desire (that damn, doomed, desire, so singular yet all consuming. If only he could've fallen for someone else, but he never could. Didn't want to. He could lose himself in Emma, let himself burn. But he can't) are a distraction. 

Maybe this is what the last five years have pushed him towards, these years of raising children as a mere child himself, and loving and longing from afar, from losing his sister (his child) because of his failed machinations. He doesn't have much more of himself left. 

But what he has left, he'll gladly sacrifice for his family, for his children and siblings and Emma and Diana. He can't become a monster, can't be consumed by the curse, not until he's avenged Livvy. Not until Emma and the rest of his family is safe. 

_"I have nothing else I can do and nowhere else I can go."_ He begs Magnus for the spell to remove eros, all those dirty emotions, from him. Magnus tries to caution him, but Julian has nothing left. This is his last option. _"Please. I don't have anything left to lose."_

_"Yes, you do. Oh yes, you do._ " 

After, Julian walks back to the house in the rain. His thoughts are vague, his emotions muted. You'd think it would hurt, to have a part of you ripped open and shut down. And it did hurt. But for some reason, Julian doesn't mind. He doesn't care at all. (But of course, it's a lot more complicated than that)


	2. "I know I loved you. But I can't feel it."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian buries Livvy, saves Ty, confesses to Emma and adjusts to the spell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one covers chapters 3 to 5.
> 
> I was hoping to get a steady publishing schedule for this fic but I'm not sure how big a chunk the next chapter will cover. These first two chapters had obvious end points (Julian does the spell; Julian tells Emma) and I'm not sure yet how to move forward. But I will do the whole book eventually.
> 
> Also, this is something that will be more apparent later, but I am essentially writing emotionless!Julian and his situation with Emma as a kinda demi->ace situation. When demis don't have that connection, we are in many ways basically asexual. So, the spell removing Julian's eros affected his other feelings and ended up severing his emotional connection and thus his sexual attraction (and romantic attraction? I can also see him as demiromantic) towards Emma. 
> 
> (I plan on writing some proper meta about all this, but I want to explain how I treat the emotionless spell in relation to his sexuality here. I also want to remind people that orientations are about attraction, not action.)

Julian barely sleeps the rest of the night. In the morning, he goes to the kitchen to find his siblings, and there is something off within him. He feels calm, which is good, because they need him calm (they always need him), and he takes the leadership role, just like he has since he was twelve. He knows from the looks people are giving him that they don't understand some of his words (Tavvy's seven, why do we carry him everywhere?) and he does and does not understand their reactions. But everything inside him is muted. 

At the funeral, he listens to the speeches, waits for the disgust at Horace Dearborn that never comes, he knows intimately how hollow all these words people tell him are (you didn't know Livvy, you didn't loose her, you might even secretly despise us). It's all grief, he knows people probably think. Julian knows the truth (he is so empty, yet so full at the same time). 

The closest to real feeling he experiences is when he sees Ty climbing up Livvy's pyre. It's pure instinct, to follow him up there, injuries be damned. Because he lost Livvy, and he loves Ty so much, and this is what he would *do*, anyway. But he still thinks there's something missing. He knows it, and understands it, yet he doesn't (he can't comprehend what he lost). 

The rest of his kids, the L.A. Institute, they are given to Helen and Aline, while he has to stay behind with Emma and explain himself to Horace (not over Annabel and her killing spree, but over the fairy blood within Helen and Mark. At least he can still be angry over that). He knows he should feel something stronger about Helen finally getting to go home. Knows he should ache over having to let his kids go back to L.A. while he stays behind, knows he should feel anxious excitement over the thought of being left alone with Emma. Yet there is nothing. It's what makes sense. Helen was always supposed to have the Institute, and raise the kids. He shouldn't be with Emma. (and now, he doesn't know what to make of his emotions when it concerns her) 

When they are left alone, Emma wants to talk, and it feels like such a cliche he has to comment on that. He thinks, that before this he wouldn't have felt that need, he would just have been a bundle of emotions, trying to figure out what went wrong now. Now Julian knows what's wrong, and what's right. He did this to save them. 

He still wants to touch her, and she is still the only he could ever imagine himself touching like this. Everything feels different, though. There's no piercing pain from the curse, and there's no burning desire to be with Emma. But if Emma wanted him, he'd be with her. They can do that now. (Emma is still the only one on that list) 

He takes in her touch, trying to understand what he does and does not feel. He closes his eyes, tries to remember what he used to feel for her, what he felt last night before a dart of pain hit his chest. He looks up at her, gives the skin unobscured by her shirt a slight kiss. There's no pain. There's no inherent desire to the act. 

_"I think I solved our problem."_ He goes over their situation, with Robert Lightwood's death eliminating exile as an option, justifying himself, telling her why he felt the need to do this, before he even tells what he did. _"It's not the actions, it's the emotions. Nothing made me stop loving you. Nothing even made me slow down. So I had to fix it."_

He explains to Emma what Magnus did to him, how his emotions work like now (atavistic and muted behind a pane of glass). Emma looks horrified. Talking about it, Julian understands her reaction, but he doesn't comprehend it. (It's what the spell robbed from him) His grief is bearable now. That's something. And Emma... 

_"I know I loved you. But I can't *feel* it._ Saying the words would feel surreal if it was just yesterday. Love, romantic love, attraction, sex, none of it has ever existed for Julian outside of Emma Cordelia Carstairs. It still feels unfathomable to him that any of it ever could exist outside of her. But now, none of that exists at all for him. It's a weird sensation. Yesterday, he wanted to burn with her. Today, he knows the feelings existed but he can't connect with them. His connection with Emma, his eros for her, was shut down and it took everything with it. 

Emma looks like he punched her unprovoked, and he wishes he comprehended what she feels. His words were harsh, they don't contain the emotion and gravitas they should. He doesn't understand what Emma lost with his words. (Julian doesn't know what he lost either) Emma pulls away from him, angry and hurt. _"Entreat me not to leave thee, but you've left me. You've left me Julian."_

Emma doesn't understand. She didn't know what he felt last night, she doesn't understand the pressure he's always under. He couldn't let the curse come to pass. He had to do something.

 _"I never would have agreed to stay here with you if I'd known what you've done. You could at least have told me. Honesty isn't an emotion, Julian."_ Emma tells him as she angrily walks away from him. But when you've had to hide so much truth from so many people for so long, honesty becomes difficult. But he hadn't wanted to lie to Emma again. Yet he had. There's some shame within him for that. 

_"Emma---"_

_"No more."_

Julian is left alone, still sitting on the bed. He wishes he could figure out how to make this better, how to get Emma to understand why he needed to do this. He looks down at the fabric with Livvy's blood. Grief surges but doesn't consume him. This is what he needs to be right now. Emma doesn't understand. And she shouldn't. Maybe this was wrong, maybe this was a terrible idea, but Julian doesn't have the time for alternatives. This is his existence now.


	3. "You have changed, son of thorns"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Emma get found out by Horace, go to Faerie, and Emma reacts to Julian's manipulation of herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one covers chapters 6 to 11 because there are big chunks of the book that has no Julian pov (and even this section has like 1) so I'm dealing with that many chapters at once to compensate.
> 
> Today is a Friday but I think I can stick to updating this every second Wednesday, so chapter 4 should be published at Aug 21st or thereabouts. I'll see how my inspiration goes, but I'm thinking it will deal with the rest of pre-Thule stuff. Chapter 5 is probably Thule. We'll see.

Julian slept. He wouldn't say he slept well, but his sleep wasn't fitful like it has been the past five years. He just slept. It's weird in its own way. He goes to wake up Emma when he finds out Horace wants to meet them already and he can tell Emma can't say the same for her sleep. She looks terrible, and seeing him doesn't make her feel any better. He should be more bothered by that than he is. 

Julian has no respect for Horace Dearborn and he is completely willing to show it. But Horace does manage to show off his power in a way that leaves Julian unsettled. He knows that he and Emma were (are?) in love. He has proof, in Robert Lightwood's notes, of Emma and Julian breaking the law. It doesn't matter whether he feels that way anymore or not, he did (and might still feel them again, after the spell is over). That puts his family in danger, and no matter what Magnus' spell did, it did not eliminate his need to do everything he can for his family. Right now, that means he'll have to go to Faerie to get the original Black Volume of the Dead back from Annabel and kill her (he really doesn't mind that part of the plan). His mind goes towards his room at the house on Princewater Street, where his copy of the Black Volume lies safely. His mind is already formulating his plan. He will do what he has to keep the rest of his family safe. 

They walk back to the house and they find Izzy and Simon there. He sees Izzy first in the kitchen, and a part of him can't help but notice that she is still very pretty. But she still doesn't actually mean anything to him. He's now even less likely to understand whether he really had a crush on her as a kid or not, but he does still understand why he chose her as a crush object. But he was a different person back then, in many ways. 

Simon and Izzy tell them that Clary and Jace are missing, and Julian knows he should feel more worried about that. But he has his own missions to think about. He needs to seemingly fulfill Horace's mission before he can worry about anything else, even Shadow world's missing heroes. 

They arrive in Faerie and after examining the map he knows where he should go to get to the UnSeelie, but he also figures out where he needs to go to get to the Seelie. He knows Emma wouldn't approve. So, he doesn't tell her. She doesn't need to know until she has to. 

He needs to get to the Seelie Queen in order to give her the copy of the Black Volume of the Dead, because he still needs the information she can give him. He needs to have all the options when it comes to the _parabatai_ curse. He needs to know how to break it, in case Horace won't give them exile after all, if his feelings come back, if they can't stop the curse in some other way, he needs to know how to break the curse once and for all. The Seelie Queen can tell him how, and she will, if Julian plays his cards right. 

Before they start going, he decides that is best if he eats the sandwiches that was packed for them. His appetite has been low since... since everything, and he can't have himself faint over hunger or anything like that. 

But for some reason, Emma is disturbed by even that choice, _"You're eating lettuce."_

_"Yes?"_ Julian says, puzzled by her words. 

_"You hate lettuce. You've *always* hated lettuce."_

_"Have I?"_ Julian doesn't really know how to react to that. Emotions are a funny thing, apparently. He chews on his sandwich and while it's not really good, he doesn't see a reason to stop eating it. He doesn't remember hating lettuce. Which is good, because that's all they have for food right now. He finishes his sandwich and starts walking towards the Seelie court. 

*** 

Dane Larkspear is a pathetic, evil piece of shit. Julian doesn't quite understand everything he feels when he looks at him, listens to his vile words. He knows he should be offended at Dane's characterization of himself, at Dane's insult towards Emma. And he is, intellectually. But the way he talked about Dru… it was instinct. He already lost Livvy, he won't lose another sibling. Especially not Dru. He also tells himself and Emma that it was necessary to kill Dane, that he would have brought the rest of the Cohort on their trails if they let him life. But mostly Julian just needed him to shut up about Dru. He knows he might have done the same thing before, but from Emma's reaction, he also knows he wouldn't have done it like this, wouldn't feel like this about it. He should feel remorse, and disgust at the Kelpie eating at Dane's remains. But he doesn't. Dru and girls like her are safe from this piece of shit, and their mission can continue. He has no regrets. 

*** 

They make their way to the Seelie Queen and she at least somewhat accept the OfficeMax version of the Black Volume. The Seelie Queen owes him, and he intends to collect on that. 

Emma doesn't understand him anymore. Maybe it's good for her to see what he really is, in his full survivor mode. He managed to hide so much of this from her. Maybe she won't love him anymore, and the curse is nullified after this. Julian knows he should abhore that option, but he just can't, quite. But he still needs to have all the possible options. He needs to know how to end the _parabatai_ bond and curse for good, if he has to. 

_”We are alone. We could amuse ourselves.”_ The Queen tries to seduce him, and maybe if he was himself he would internally laugh at the attempt. He's never been attracted like that to anyone but Emma, and even now, he can't comprehend attraction outside of what he used to feel for Emma, even if he no longer doesn't understand that either. The Queen can use a glamour to look younger, look healthier, more like Emma (blue eyes turned brown) but none if it means anything to Julian. Emma is the only one who has ever mattered to him like that. 

”You are different, more like a Faerie now,” the Queen tells him, and Julian tries to sound certain when he tells her he's 'better'. 

The Queen is amused as she tells him about the humans who end up in the Faerie realm, ”We promise people the end of their suffering, yet little do they know, once they are here, they're in a cage here and can never again feel happiness. _You are in that cage, boy._ " 

Julian shivers at her words. There is a primal, atavistic feeling of truth to her words. Maybe this is what his father and uncle went through during all those years they were captured in here. But he can't let her words distract him from why he's here in the first place. He needs to know how to break the _parabatai_ bond. Turns out, it's impossible now. 

*** 

His plan to end the _parabatai_ bond is impossible. He knows he should feel worse about that. He needed the option, if all else fails but now that his emotions are numbed, cut down, he can't quite feel the despair he knows he should. 

But he does know that he doesn't want Emma to be angry with him. He doesn't quite understand her reaction, didn't think she would be hurt like this over his secret plans. She knows him, she should understand that he tries to do what is best for everyone. Sometimes that means secrets. He needs her during this mission, needs her to accept his plans, even if she hates them, even if she hates him. He knows what he's doing. 

Emma is still attracted to him. He knows it, from the way she stared at him when they were putting on the Faerie clothes. He doesn't really know what he feels for her. He's disconnected from his emotions enough that he doesn't know why sometimes his emotions get a hold of him, like with Dane, and why sometimes he might not feel anything at all for anyone. But magic isn't science, and he knows he still has some feelings left. Not enough to affect the curse, thank the Angel, but still enough. 

_”I don't have no feelings at all. I just don't entirely understand what it is that I do feel. Except that-- I need you not to be angry with me.”_ He touches her the way he knows she wants to be touched, _”I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry.”_

He's not lying. He doesn't want her to be angry and he's sorry she is. He needs her to not be angry. There is still a part of him that wants her, wants her like he's never wanted anyone else, like he never will. If Emma wants them to use their bodies in order to get over her anger, Julian is willing to let her do that. It's not an unpleasant thing, making love to Emma. And she's still the only one he would contemplate doing this with. Eros or no eros, Emma is the only one who will know him like this. The Seelie Queen's attempt at seduction clarified that to Julian. He doesn't understand his emotions, right now. He just knows how to touch Emma, how to make her feel better. He kisses her, and she melts into the kiss. He still enjoys it. His body knows what to do with Emma. 

He kisses and touches her like she wants him to, almost lets herself let go, lets him give her his body, even if he can't give her his emotions, his love, anymore. 

But Emma knows him better than he knows himself, especially now, and she knows that he doesn't… doesn't what? Mean this, want this? He doesn't know what he wants anymore. He can't let go, he has no emotions to pull him under, he doesn't have a burning desire to have her, to do this. He kinda wants her, but it's a dull want, like his emotions, and a part of him is doing this because it will help Emma get over her anger. Emma can tell that, based on the look on her face as she looks at him. 

_”You're not really sorry, are you?”_

He tries to figure out what to say to that. Lying to Emma has always been harder than to anyone else. He pulls back from her. There has to be a way for him to fix this. 

But there isn't, and he's almost glad when Nene comes to interrupt them. The Queen has betrayed them. What else is new? At least he doesn't have to figure out and deal with his situation with Emma, right now.


	4. Grief and Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Emma make it to Unseelie King's castle, find Ash, Annabel, Jace and Clary, and jump into Thule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapters 12 to 17.
> 
> I thought I could have a standard updating time but nope. Also, this chapter covers a lot of ground but the Julian stuff required a bit of digging to get through. I'm hoping to start writing about Thule soon, and that one will be at least two chapters, I'll see how the structure develops as I write.

_”I can only hope it's the grief”_ , Nene says, echoing so many others after harsh words have left Julian's mouth. People forgive a lot when others are grieving. Although Julian knows that it hurts Emma to let every moment go. He knows from her looks that all of this is very uncharacteristic of him. And she's right. For Julian, grief is body wrecking sobs and overwhelming emotion, a hurt he couldn't see how to cope with. Julian knows that, even if he doesn't understand that anymore. Well, it's not like these people really knew him anyway. 

_”Be careful what masks you wear, child, lest you lose your true face forever.”_

_”True or false, it's all the same.”_ It's been so long Julian has managed to live without a mask, he's not sure what his true one even looks like. He supposes Emma would claim she knows it, or at least that she used to. Julian isn't sure about that either. 

The ride to the UnSeelie is mostly uneventful. He notices some embarashment on Emma's face when they move past the Faerie revels fulls of half naked people. It doesn't bother Julian. He's pretty sure that even if he had his emotions it wouldn't bother him. The only nakedness he's ever cared about is Emma's. 

For a moment, they pretend to be lovers on a romantic stroll, holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. Julian is pretty sure even a week ago this would have meant everything to him. To hold Emma's hand, out in the open, to be able to look at her and letting his feelings shine through. But now, it's all academic. He can't connect with that emotion anymore, and just sees it as a good strategy to get into the tower, nothing more. He also knows that if someone where to really look at him, he wouldn't pass as in love anymore. He has never been able to fake those feelings. He knows that Emma knows that too, because her eyes look upset. So, it's a good thing no one actually cares to look. 

When they get to the UnSeelie King's tower and see the hedge they need to go through, and Emma goes into the thorns, he worries about her. He yells after her with a vague panic, but he knows that his behavior is not like it used to be. He knows he should feel more about seeing Emma run into danger like this, the cuts all over her body from the thorns, especially since their runes don't work. He doesn't really understand what happened, how they managed to get through, where Durendal came from, but he can still take a moment to appreciate his parabatai's amazing skill and takes care of her cuts, just like she was one of his siblings. But soon, he realizes hos close they are to finding Annabel, that is what matters. 

Once they find the UnSeelie King and they drink up the invisibility potions Nene gave to them, his parabatai rune starts hurting and glowing. It's weird, and painful, but at least it gives them a way to track how long the potion lasts. 

When Annabel arrives into the room, a familiar feeling overtakes Julian. This he can feel without any obstructions. Seeing her, he takes a harsh, choking breath and his body turns rigid. He wants to kill her. He wants it so badly, Emma can barely keep him from running towards Annabel and just killing her right here and now, putting his already dead relative out of her misery. He has no idea what would have happened with Old Julian. Would he have listened to Emma before she had to bring his remaining siblings into this? Or would he listen to even less reason, his emotions overwhelming him? He can't know. 

_”She needs to die for what she did. Let me kill her.”_

_”We'll both die here if you try! Would you really choose revenge over Tavvy and Dru and Ty? Would you want them to know you did?”_

Thinking about his siblings brings him back from the brink. He knows there are very few things he's wanted more than to kill Annabel. But Emma is right. They can't do it here and now, and he knows he can't do this to his kids. Emma was right to call him on it. They still need him, for a while. He still loves them ( _the world can burn if my family lives_ ), even though he knows an aspect of that love is also warped because of the spell. It's still the strongest thing inside him, and it keeps him going. 

The potion wanes just in time for Annabel and Ash to leave the chamber, and they have to get out of there but that's fine, because they've heard enough. Emma grabs his hand, and he knows it's because she's stopping him from attacking Annabel. They know what the UnSeelie King wants to use Ash for, and they figure out Ash is the reason for Clary and Jace's mission here. Julian knows what they have to do, and he knows Emma won't like it. It takes everything in him to not let go off Emma's hand and run after Annabel and Ash and kill them right here. Instead, he tightens his hold on her hand and looks at the map to see where they have been taken to. They need to follow them. 

With a moment of peace in a disused food pantry, they take stock of their situation and end up talking about revenge. The desire to kill Annabel, avenge Livvy, it's the clearest emotion he still has, and he's angry that he didn't get to follow through on it already. It's odd that Emma of all people is now talking against taking revenge. It was what she lived for a third of her life. Maybe it was futile, and it didn't bring her parents back, and Malcolm did come back, but that doesn't mean Julian doesn't know what he needs, and what Livvy deserves. 

_”No one would blame you for killing Annabel. But sometimes we have to put aside what we want right now for something bigger. You taught me that. The old you.”_

_”Maybe.”_ He needs to hold the symbol of his revenge and pulls his sleeve up. 

Emma sees the torn piece of cloth properly for the first time and puts her hand on his arm to stop his movement, _”What is **that**?_” 

_”It's Livvy's blood. I tore a strip off the shirt I was wearing when she died and tied it on my wrist. I'll take it off when I kill Annabel. Not before.” Emma had her revenge wall. This is Julian's._

_”Julian..._ ” she sounds upset, but Julian doesn't care right now. 

_”I understand what you're saying. I just don't see why I should be the one to stop.”_ Even to Julian's own ears his words sound off. He feels so much, yet none of it shows in his voice. But it doesn't matter, they have a mission to finish _”Anyway. We need to find Ash.”_

Ever since Julian realized that Ash is the key to this whole thing, that the King needs Ash as a weapon, that both Annabel and the Queen want him, he knew what they should do: take him out of the equation. He also knew that Emma wouldn't like it. But kidnapping Ash is their best course of action. They should be able to do it without hurting him, but Julian has no interest in lying to himself or to Emma about this: _”I don't care about what happens to Sebastian Morgenstern's son.”_ When Julian looks at Ash, he sees nothing but Sebastian, the man who robbed him of his father and his older siblings through his Dark War. This Julian can't look beyond the sins of the father to see who Ash is as a person in his own right, but he also doesn't care. 

_”So will you come with me?”_

Emma looks at him with consealed emotions that Julian can't read, but but still she says, _”I'm with you.”_

Julian nods, and they start making their way towards Ash's room. They walk together but with a distance between them, and their hands are no where near each other. 

They run into way fewer guards and people than they should, and if Julian was thinking clearly, he'd listen to Emma and realize that something is wrong. But he can't think of anything beyond finding and getting Ash, and through that getting to Annabel. They get into Ash's room where he is sleeping. 

_”He looks a little like Clary,”_ Emma whispers and it bothers Julian. 

_”It doesn't matter what he looks like. He's Sebastian's son.”_ Julian has no interest in seeing something innocent or otherwise familiar in this child and he doesn't care to. Then Emma wakes him up before she should and everything goes to hell. 

Two of the Riders of Mannan run into the room after Ash yells for them and Ethna ends up smashing against the wall. Emma seizes Ash and tries to use him as a bargaining chip for him, but it's no use. Faerie rules protect them as long as Emma doesn't threaten Ash, so he tells her to let Ash go. 

This makes Ash look into Julian's direction for the first time and his words are a gut punch, _”You look like **her**_ ”. Annabel is a Blackthorn, as much as Julian hates it. But you can't choose your relatives and what they physically pass on. They have an obvious resemblance, and that makes him hate Annabel even more. 

Ash doesn't want to be 'rescued' by them and the Riders catch and take them down into the dungeons. Julian thinks over what happened and he feels frustrated and bitter about it all. No problem with those emotions. He was sloppy, and that was part of the reason they are in this situation right now. He doesn't appreciate Emma acting like he doesn't have a self preservation instinct anymore or that he wanted to get caught and executed by the UnSeelie King. It's all so much more complicated than that. She touches above his heart, talking about being a Shadowhunter, and before Julian can analyze what any of it means, they are interrupted. Well, they found Clary and Jace at least. 

Being around other people again, people who seemingly care about him and his family, complicates things. He bluntly tells Jace that the man who raised is dead, and Clary seems to be sincerely sorry about Livvy, and Julian knows he's not reacting right. He knows they will blame the grief, as people are wont to do, but still, he was getting used to the knowingly sad or upset looks in Emma's eyes, and he prefers that to the not-understanding looks and silences that he gets from the people that care. He doesn't feel like telling anyone about the spell, but it does get him to understand how empty a lot of people's treatment of grief is. If these people knew him, they'd know this isn't how he grief, but they don't, so they accept rudeness and lack of emotion. 

But none of that matters right now. What matters is getting out of the cells and figuring out how to escape from here, and finding out what exactly the UnSeelie King can do with Ash. The First Heir story gives them some clues, assuming it's true. 

But soon the situation changes again, and suddenly Cristina is outside his and Emma's cell door with an UnSeelie brings and the girls are hugging each other. Julian's previous sarcastic comment about Clary and Jace wishing for an escape turns out to be true, and Jace enjoys calling him out on his lack of believe. 

Hearing Mark's name snaps Julian back to attention, especially the part that he should be with him, here. It's the same emotion he felt with Ty on the pire, strong and instinctual, the need to protect his siblings rises overwhelmingly inside him. When Adaon tries to talk about how it's too dangerous for them, Julian feels clearly when he tells him, 

_”You came here for your brother. We're going after mine. If you want to stop us, you'll have to use force.”_ Clary and Jace back him up, and Adaon joins the plan, even if he doesn't think much of it. He still takes them to get weapons, though they can't get them until it's time to use them. He will walk them to the chamber like they were prisoners going for their executions. 

Julian can feel Emma's eyes on him, and he notices the questions in her eyes when he glances at her quickly. But he doesn't have the time to deal with that right now. His love for his family should be outside the scope of the spell, yet he knows it is affected by it too. Feelings are too intertwined for a clean break like that to be possible. But he feels worried for Mark. He feels scared of losing him. Of his siblings losing him again, after they just got them back. They don't need any more pain. He will save his brother, no matter what. Because spell or no spell, that's who he is. 

They arrive at the chamber, and the redcap leader mentions a family reunion. It must mean Mark is there already. His hand wants to squeeze and hold the blade that isn't in his hand, the need to get to Mark, to rescue and protect him overwhelming, but he manages to keep his physical reaction almost unnoticiable. When they are taken into the chamber, and Julian sees Mark and he bolts towards him. Adaon tries to keep him in place, but he needs Jace's heightened strenght to get the job done. Julian is not a bit confused about what he feels in this moment. He needs to get to his brother, and it takes actual effort for them to stop him. He stared at the King with hate, looking into his half-and-half face without flinching. He's going to make him pay for this. The King starts listing their crimes against his Court and Jace has let go of him, and it takes all of his internal effort to keep himself from running towards his brother and the King. 

The King calls Emma to come to him, and Julian let's out a noise of protest before he can stop himself. He's biting his lip and he knows it's bleeding but he doesn't care. Keeping the ruse going is taking out all his control, and he doesn't want anything to happen to Emma and him to lose it. 

But then all those thoughts are out of Julian's head, because Annabel arrives with Ash and Ethna and Eochaid of the Riders, and before Julian can move Jace has gripped him again, but then he doesn't have to because Mark is growling and Mark is making a run toward her, his chains rattling. 

_”No. No, no, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to do it.”_ Annabel moans, and maybe Old Julian could buy that, or feel for her, but current Julian has little more than his rage and revenge and his grief, so he doesn't care. Emma walks back to him, and takes a hold of his arm. He can feel his muscles react to the touch and she wrapped it tighter around his forearm, keeping him in place, taking over from Jace. 

So much happens in rather little time, even by Fearie standards of questionable passage of time. The Seelie Queen arrives demanding her son, the King opens a portal to Thule, Annabel and Ash jump through it with the original Black Volume, and Julian could feel his revenge slipping from his fingers and it hurt. The loss of their son ignited a fight between the King and Queen, and Adaon gave everyone their weapons and the fight was on. It took some doing, and finally Julian got to Mark, and even with everything going on, they hugged, too quickly, but there would be time for proper reunion later. 

The fight rages on, until Kieran saves his brother's life by killing his father, and Julian knows he would react to the parallels more if he had time and he wasn't under this spell. The Queen steals Adaon while the King is still alive to know it, and the redcaps yell out the former King's name (Arawn). It's time for them to all to go. The others were close to each other, while Emma and him where separated from them by the King's burning corpse. Ethna attacks Emma and while Emma tries to fight bravely with everything she has, without a weapon it isn't much. Julian doesn't have much time left, no time to think or get a weapon, he only has one thing left. He throws himself on Ethna just as she is about to finish Emma and while she is on the ground he stabs her with the iron figure he got from Simon Lewis. Ethna screams from the pain of the iron but it's not enough to finish her off. 

”Julian! Leave her! We have to get to the others!” Emma yells and it's only her voice that makes him think beyond the rage he feels. Ethna gets away from him, and Julian runs towards Emma. The others yells at them, but before they can get to them, a sheet of flame blazes up and the force of it throws them backwards. There's no way they can get through that, and the Riders are about to attack them again. 

Emma yells at Cristina to go and take the others with her, and Julian knows what they have to do. 

_”There's only one way.”_

He holds her wrist, knowing this is a terrible idea, but it's the only chance they have. They have to go to Thule through the portal. Emma doesn't like the idea either, he knows, but she nods, and they run towards the wall, hand in hand, and they leap through the portal, as always, together.


	5. Thule part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First part of chapter 17: Julian's emotions come back in Thule, and he needs them, when he meets older, living Livvy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been a long while since the last update, sorry my two subscribers.
> 
> This one won't be really long but I had to figure out how to deal with this now that Julian has pov in the book again. I hope you enjoy, and I hope to write this more often now that I got back into this. Because I've missed writing Julian.
> 
> Also, happy Valentine's Day!

Julian didn't even think about it, about how magic and runes don't work there. He just took Emma's hand and jumped into Thule. Almost like old times. Even without feelings, he'd still follow Emma anywhere. Including hell, literally. 

Even afterwards he's more worried about the after effects of the portal. The experience is so intense he doesn't notice the lack of magic at first. 

But then... Suddenly it feels like there is an explosion of emotions inside him. Pain. Love. Panic. Grief. Yearning. It'd been too long since he's eaten, so he just throws up bile. He tells Emma it's the portal, but Julian is starting to suspect it's not. Feelings are pounding in his head, giving him a headache and making it hard to focus. But he knows he needs to deal with this later. He bites his lip, and the pain brings focus. He manages to even sound normal enough talking to Emma. 

The realization that Thule is Los Angeles, that he knows this beach, it hits him hard. he can’t help wondering how his family faired in this realm. He’s ashamed that it takes him longer to think about Emma’s parents, and whether they are alive in this world. But he doesn’t really have the time to wonder about any of this. 

Soon it becomes clear what caused this world to be this way. There are red clad Endarkened everywhere, and Sebastian is still alive, with Jace as his right hand man and Luke’s sister Amatis right by his side like in the real world. 

Something that is different from the real world is Emma. Endarkened Emma, in the arms of someone else. He’d know her anywhere, and the sudden rise of intense jealousy makes him miss who it is she’s kissing and fondling. 

_”Oh. That’s us?”_

Julian barely manages to tear his eyes from the way the guy is kissing, holding, touching Emma to realize that it really is him. Other Julian is older, confident, apparently a good kisser. Knows what he’s doing. It’s all very surreal. Seeing how he will look in a few years, feeling jealousy over this Other Emma (she’s always *his*), feeling drawn to her, even as the real one is right by his side. Can you feel jealous over yourself? Can you feel insecure about yourself? The way the Endarkened versions of themselves act, Julian is not sure… He doesn’t have much experience. Not as much as Emma. He really shouldn’t be worrying about performance issues at a time like this, but a part of him can’t help himself. 

But that is for another time. Because in this time, they witness Maryse Lightwood’s execution and run into, of fucking course, Cameron Ashdown. Holding and threatening them with a gun. Julian doesn’t have much time to think, but he knows he’d take a bullet for Emma. His only issue would be leaving her alone in Thule afterwards. 

He hasn’t really had much time to deal with the end (reprieve?) of Magnus’ spell. (Though his desire for Emma is back, faint though it now is) So much more to think about right now. But afterwards, he’ll feel better about having his emotions back. Because he’d hate to not have felt everything he did when he heard Cameron call for Livvy. Feeling everything when he saw Livvy again. His beautiful little Livvy, older and wiser and more hardened Livvy. At first his body turns icy, but soon it’s overtaken by joy and panic over seeing her again. 

He's often cursed his 12 year old self decision to become _parabatai_ , especially lately when he's felt it burning over his heart but now he's grateful, because it saves their lives. Or at least extends them. It’s proof they’re not their Endarkened versions. 

_“They were always making out even before they were Endarkened. Some things never change.”_ Livvy sauys like it’s not a sentence that shocks Julian’s world. 

What world is this, where he has had Emma for so long? Where he’s been allowed to kiss her, love her, without a care in the world? 

He wants to ask more questions, he wants to hug Livvy and tell her he loves her (he wants to tell that to Emma too, but later, and differently). But right now it's best for them to go see Diana. It takes everything in him to hold himself back from the women he loves. (Subconsciously, he can’t help but think to himself, ‘Maybe this world isn’t so bad after all.’)


End file.
